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| Love and loss at Christmas |
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Karen died in May after a seven-month battle with brain cancer. In perfect Karen fashion, in the face of the inevitable and despite the medications that sapped her energy and stole her words, one of the last things she said to me was, “I feel strong.” That strength was due to her incredible faith and to all the support she received from her devoted family and the many, many other people who loved her in her 59 years. She left us peacefully and with the best memories of her. And though those memories keep her alive in our hearts, she won’t be opening any presents with us this Christmas Eve, as was our custom. The grief that has weighed on me these last months has become crushing as Christmas approaches. I find myself wondering, How are you supposed to celebrate when you’re so sad? Therese Schoeneck asked herself a similar question in 1977 as she faced her first Christmas following the death of her daughter Mary in a car accident. “That first Christmas... Let’s just say we survived,” she said. The following year, Schoeneck, who at the time was associate director of Family Life Education for the diocese, organized a panel discussion for bereaved parents on coping with grief at the holidays. Out of that successful gathering, Hope for Bereaved, Inc. was born. Today, the not-for-profit organization headquartered in Syracuse provides grief programs and services to thousands of people every year. The holidays can be a very trying time for those coping with loss, Schoeneck said, adding that “sometimes the anticipation of the day can be worse than the day itself.” Schoeneck said that advance preparation can help alleviate anxiety and offered suggestions for making the season more bearable for those of us facing Christmas without a loved one: Plan ahead. For some people, tradition gives comfort. For others, the thought of a family ritual minus one is excruciating. Have a discussion with family members about how to spend the holidays. Schoeneck knows one family who skipped the holiday all together and went on vacation. Know that there is no right or wrong way. Beware of “shoulds.” “‘Should’ is a red flag,” said Schoeneck. Only accept invitations for events you truly want to attend, and always give yourself an out. Decorate, bake or send cards only if you will enjoy it. Don’t force yourself to brave the mall — shop online, buy gift cards or make a donation in your loved one’s name instead. Serve dinner buffet style if you aren’t up to seeing an empty seat at a fancy table. Keep your expectations for yourself reasonable. Care for yourself. Make sure you’re getting enough rest, eating well, exercising and relaxing. Ask for and accept help if you need it. Turn to your faith and try to focus on the true meaning of Christmas. Take advantage of grief services. Hope for Bereaved offers support groups, one-on-one counseling and a monthly newsletter to bereaved, all free of charge. Programs are available for those coping with death in the workplace, and for very young children who are dealing with loss. Know that help is just a call away. Of course, watching a friend or family member grieve is heartbreaking in its own way. Often people don’t know what to say or do to convey their sympathy, so they do nothing or do too much. Schoeneck cautioned against ignoring or overwhelming the bereaved, and suggested a few simple but meaningful ideas: Listen. Just be there. Offer a shoulder to cry on with no expectations or agenda. Make a specific offer of help. Volunteer to grocery shop, decorate or run errands. Give a thoughtful gift or card. Perhaps a new notebook for journaling would be appropriate, or a symbolic ornament. Just think twice before sending a cheery “Merry Christmas” card. One important thing for the bereaved to know, though, is that they will get through the holidays, Schoeneck said, urging those coping with loss not to give up hope. “Things will never be the same,” she said. “But minute by minute, the day will go by.” This year, I’ll be celebrating Christmas Eve in a different place. Still, I doubt that even one of those Christmas minutes will pass without me thinking of Karen. Then again, there is hardly a moment I don’t think of her on any other day, either. But instead of remembering the sad smiles from our last Christmas together, I’ll do my best to think of the Karen in the photo propped up among my holiday decorations: a smiling girl of 5 or so, posing for the camera in front of the Christmas tree, exuding the playful spirit that she held on to until the very end. And I’ll try to feel strong, too. |
By Katherine Long
