By Katherine Long
Sun associate editor


Father Joseph Phillips, executive director of the Office of Family Life Education, is quick to make a visitor to the department’s offices at Bishop Ludden Jr./Sr. High School in Syracuse feel comfortable, offering to whisk away a coat or bring a cup of coffee. It’s a perfect introduction to a department whose work is dedicated to supporting ministries that welcome and comfort the faithful of the diocese.
Family Life Education relies heavily on HOPE Appeal funding for its vital mission: to support parishes as they endeavor to educate, strengthen, heal and evangelize families. In Father Phillips’ words, the department offers “strong supportive services out of a central office” in the areas of marriage preparation, natural family planning, baptism and parenting, marriage and family enrichment and support for struggling couples and those who are separated and divorced.

“Marriage and family couldn’t be under more stress these days, from all directions. And the pope and bishops could not be more concerned about strengthening marriage and families in these difficult times. They understand that marriage and families are the building blocks of the church. Our department exists as an expression of their concerns. We do everything in our power to channel that concern into helpful programs and resources for parishes of the diocese,” said Father Phillips.

What is now known as Family Life Education started more than 50 years ago as a marriage preparation ministry. Father Phillips has been involved in marriage preparation for the diocese since 1968.

“Family Life Education goes back to Bishop Foery. He sensed the importance of preparing couples for marriage and asked a priest of the diocese to start the ministry in the late 1940s to early 50s, with a focus on marriage preparation,” said Father Phillips.

The needs of families in the diocese continued to evolve, and in 1978, Bishop David Cunningham “had the wisdom and foresight to make Family Life Education its own ministry,” said Father Phillips. The department remained strongly focused on marriage preparation, but also began developing a marriage enrichment ministry and support groups for the bereaved and the separated and divorced.

“For every part of the diocese,” he said, “there is a family life office that has expertise, competence and resources to respond to any needs a parish has in regard to marriage and family.”

Marriage preparation

Preparing engaged couples for the sacrament of marriage has always been and remains a core focus for Family Life Education. To make sure the needs of every region, parish and couple are met effectively, the department offers a variety of programs and support.

“Each parish is welcome to develop its own marriage preparation program. Some don’t, some do,” said Father Phillips. “For the parish-based programs, we are here to help with getting started, with questions along the line, with resources and materials.”

In the Southern Region of the diocese, such support is provided by regional directors John and Kathy Colligan. In addition to offering support to parishes on parenting and family life, the couple provides “central” preparation conferences for couples who aren’t able to attend parish programs. They have also recently developed an online marriage preparation manual for instructors called “Invitation to a Passionate Marriage,” which is available in both English and Spanish.

Many parishes, however, choose to utilize the diocesan program to prepare their couples. These one-day sessions include presentations from professional speakers and married couples on topics from finances to adjusting to married life.

Sue Kielar and her husband Ron direct the Eastern Region office, providing support to 45 parishes in Utica, Rome and the surrounding areas, and coordinate eight regional marriage preparation conferences each year.

“Marriage preparation provides a comfortable setting in which the engaged couples can discuss the most important issues of married life. It also provides a positive experience of church so they will understand the beauty of the sacrament and continue to practice their Catholic faith wherever their careers take them in the future. One bride summed it up very nicely on the [post-conference] evaluation form when she said,

‘Thank you for the workshop. It made the future seem more realistic and less scary,’” Kielar said.

Karen Bandoblu, marriage preparation and natural family planning coordinator in the diocesan office, organizes 10 marriage preparation conferences every year. She has worked with the marriage preparation program for more than 30 years and continues to take pleasure in helping couples focus on what’s important.

“The marriage prep conferences are a day for the engaged to forget about the stress of planning a wedding and to be open to and focus on the importance of still learning about each other. A wedding is a day — a marriage is a lifetime,” she said.

Natural family planning

Bandoblu also supports diocesan natural family planning (NFP) activities. She ensures couples are given materials and an introduction to NFP at diocesan marriage prep courses, as well as contact information for diocesan NFP experts.

In preparation for NFP Awareness Week each July, Bandoblu also makes support materials — posters, homily starters, suggested prayers of the faithful — available to parishes throughout the diocese.

“Natural family planning is a very important thing for young couples to learn about, and we make a strong effort to make sure they know that there are people and educational resources available to them on a diocesan-wide basis,” said Father Phillips.

Baptism and parenting

As baptism and parenting coordinator, Sister Francis James Paris, OSF, visits parishes in all the regions to help familiarize pastors and baptismal ministers with “A Holistic Approach to Infant Baptism,” the manual she helped to develop with other members of the Family Life Education team. The four-part toolkit for those who help families prepare their babies for baptism in the church focuses on welcoming parents, preparing for the baptism, understanding the sacrament of baptism and ministry building to keep young families engaged. This last piece is the crux of her work.

“Baptism is a time of such joy and happiness. It’s the perfect opportunity to welcome or welcome back families to the church, to engage them and keep them active,” she said, adding that this is especially important given aging parish populations and diminishing numbers of young people in the pews.

Marriage and family enrichment

Sister Francis James and all the Family Life Education ministries provide a host of information on their website at www. familylifeeducationsyracuse.org. In addition to the standard overview of programs and contact information, there are prayers, activities, links for further reading, book reviews, bulletin blurbs — all separated into neat categories divided for individuals and ministers. Jennifer Kerns is the woman behind the screen.

Just over two years ago she helped the department launch its new website, which she designed and now maintains.
“The goal was to get all of our information available in one spot, to meet the needs and wants of a younger generation who start everything with a Google search,” she said.

In addition to her resource developer and website manager role, Kerns is also the coordinator of marriage and family enrichment. In this capacity she is responsible for organizing the diocese’s World Marriage Day activities. On Feb. 12, Bishop Robert Cunningham will celebrate a special Mass at the Cathedral in Syracuse for couples celebrating “silver, gold and beyond anniversaries,” Kerns said.

“It’s a day set aside for the diocese to celebrate the covenant of marriage and the couples who live it. It’s a way for the bishop and the people of the diocese to honor these couples who reflect God’s light in their love for each other,” she said.

The Third Option

Helping couples develop and nurture those lasting, committed, healthy marriages is an important area of Family Life Education’s work. The team knows that no marriage is without faults and that every single relationship could always be better in one way or another. Important, too, is providing support for couples who are struggling in their marriages or on the brink of separation or divorce.

Years ago, Pat Ennis, a social worker by profession, helped counsel a friend through divorce.

“She kept asking, ‘Where’s the church when you need it?’ That question haunted me. She needed something that wasn’t there,” said Ennis. “Other couples would tell my friend, ‘We’re sorry you’re struggling, we’ve been there and made it through, and we’re praying for you.’ I realized there needed to be a way for struggling couples to meet and talk to couples who had worked through their problems.”

In 1988, Ennis created the Third Option, a relationship skills-building program designed to help improve all marriages. The name comes from the idea that couples in crisis often see only two options: stay together and be unhappy or split up.

“The third option is staying together and having a good marriage. We want couples to know it is possible,” Ennis said.

The program has three components: workshops on improving relationship skills, mentor couples who share their experiences of struggle and how they made it through, and support groups that allow participants to identify, work on and report back on using key skills.

“I like to think of the Third Option as a large net catching people who are struggling and funneling them into a place of hope,” said Ennis.
Blair and Karen Kahler were one of the “charter couples” in the Third Option at the Good News Center in Utica and have been involved for about seven years. They experienced difficulties in their marriage but through God were able to get through them, Karen said. Today they are a mentor couple in the program, sharing their stories with other couples.

“Even though we’re mentors, we get something out each meeting. It’s an ongoing process for us, too,” Karen said.

“We’ve seen great results, in our marriage and in others’ in the group,” Blair agreed. “The program teaches you to communicate better with your spouse. You can’t have a great marriage by accident; you have to work at it.”

Blair and Karen were the couple who provided orientation for Lyle and Valerie Martin when they started attending the group.

Valerie and Lyle agree that participating in the Third Option is the best thing they’ve done for their marriage. Lyle said they had “reached a point where they were cold to each other and there wasn’t much dialogue,” but that the program has taught them how to communicate again. Their relationship is healing and strengthening.

Separated and divorced

“In today’s world, unfortunately a significant number of marriages end in separation and divorce. We work to provide resources, information and support to people going through separation and divorce, and to support all parishes in providing comfortable environments where people can find support and healing,” said separated and divorced coordinator Dean Brainard.

Brainard has been coordinating for two years, though the ministry itself has been in place for more than 25. Brainard’s commitment to the ministry comes from a personal place.

“I experienced separation and divorce in my life, and part of my moving forward was the programs here in the diocese. It was a powerful experience,” he said.

Among those programs are a number of diocesan-wide events tailored specifically for people going though separation or divorce.
In March, a Day of Renewal retreat is held, offering healing and practical workshops and speaker presentations. In September, a weekend retreat at Stella Maris in Skaneateles offers participants a healing Mass, workshops and speakers. In October, there is an annual annulment information session, which includes an open forum for questions about the process. In November, there is a weekend of healing throughout the diocese, with parishes focusing on reaching out and welcoming those who are separated or divorced.

Local support groups are a crucial part of the ministry, and there are many throughout the diocese. Groups typically meet every other week.
“These groups are ecumenical, welcoming places where people can share, get to know each other and gain strength, hope and healing,” said Brainard. “No one needs to go through separation or divorce alone. There is a strong, vibrant community available to help heal the brokenhearted.”

For more information on Family Life Education, visit www.familylifeeducationsyracuse.org or call the diocesan office at (315) 472-6754, the Eastern Region office at (315) 737-7529 or the Southern Region office at (607) 748-4743.