By Emily E Long
For most of my life, I’ve been at war with my mind. My mind is a battlefield in which intrusive thoughts and my real self, the one who wants to enjoy her life, are adversaries. Every day, I would wake up to face the battle of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) versus the “real” Emily. For a while, the OCD was winning by a mile. Until I got some help from a priest, a therapist, and a saint.
May is Mental Health Awareness month, a struggle that’s oftentimes hard to reconcile with our Catholic faith. If we are having struggles like depression, are we not appreciating God’s creation enough? If we are anxious, are we not trusting in God’s plan? If I don’t pray enough and I’m struggling, is it all my fault that I feel this way? The answer is a resounding “NO!”
In the battle of Emily versus OCD, my first ally was a trusted priest. When I was diagnosed, I brought this up in confession as a way to explain some of the troubles I was having. Instead of suggesting I pray more, he suggested therapy and encouraged me to go. At first, I didn’t want to. Surely, I could handle this on my own. After a week or so, I found myself back in the confessional, once again, feeling defeated and controlled by OCD. It was clear that I needed to seek a counselor or a therapist.
The truth is that as a child of God, I have been made in His image, and suffering was never a part of His plan for His children. When I started going to therapy, I was nervous. I had let my thoughts rule my mind for so long that I thought they were in charge. I had made my home in their oppressive, dictatorial regime. With my second ally, my therapist, we were able to start facing the lies I believed about myself and rebuild my defenses against my thoughts, and really start to fight back.
My third ally was unexpected — a Salvadoran bishop who died in 1980 — St. Oscar Romero. St. Oscar lived during a time of intense violence and political oppression in El Salvador. When he was appointed Archbishop of San Salvador, he was thought of as a “safe” choice, someone quiet and conservative who wasn’t going to rock the boat. Just three weeks later, his friend Father Rutilio Grande was brutally murdered by the regime. St. Oscar realized that if he were to truly live out his calling, he’d need to stand with the poor and marginalized — the very people the oligarchical government was working to suppress and the reason why his friend was killed. Oh, and minor detail — he also struggled with OCD! This fact usually appears as a footnote or is not even mentioned in articles about his life. When he was 49, a psychiatrist diagnosed him with scrupulosity, a type of OCD that involves obsessive thoughts about faith and religion. Even though it wasn’t very common at the time, St. Oscar went to therapy and received treatment for his OCD. He didn’t let this diagnosis hold him back and still went on to speak out for the people of El Salvador. I realized that if St. Oscar could get better, so could I.
Our mental health can sometimes feel like it’s taking up our whole life. When your brain won’t stop racing, or you just can’t seem to shake the feeling of dread, or you feel like an elephant is sitting on your chest, it can be pretty hard to ignore. It may feel like it is everything, but it doesn’t define you. Only God can define you, and He calls you by your name, not your problems.
Although I’m still working with a therapist, I’m trying to work toward making OCD a footnote. I want to declare a truce with my brain and come to a true, profound peace. For years, I’ve hated my mind, viewing it as the obstacle getting in the way of my happiness. I recently had the thought — how can I hate something that God gave me? God created us all in His image and likeness meaning that our brains are divinely created to be the machine of functioning how the Lord wants us. The brain is how we think and communicate with the Lord. It allows us to imagine and worship him. How could I hate something so beautiful?
Experiment of the Week: If you’ve been struggling with your mental health — this is your sign to go do something about it! If you have someone in your life struggling, pray for them!
