Life-Giving Wounds Ministry seeks to heal adult children of separated or divorced parents
By Tami S. Scott
Editor
The last two issues of The Catholic Sun have highlighted ministries that the Syracuse Diocese’s Office of Family/Respect Life offers to those in need of healing. The first story focused on couples navigating the pain of miscarriage and infertility (Oct. 23), while the second highlighted outreach to those who are grieving the loss of a loved one (Nov. 6). This week, we explore Life-Giving Wounds, a program founded to help adult children of separated or divorced parents process their pain and find transformative healing in our Savior. Due to the nature of the topic, one individual in this article has chosen to remain anonymous.
For one Oneida County woman, a last-minute change in plans would mark the start of her healing journey. “I learned about Life-Giving Wounds during our announcements at the end of Mass this past spring,” she said. The woman, whom we’ll call “Kim,” and her husband had planned to attend a different church that morning, but decided to go to their home parish instead. “I knew God had put me where I needed to be to hear that announcement and start healing.”
Kim was just entering her teens when her parents divorced — a life-altering event that deeply wounded her and strained her relationship with her mom for decades. “I tried for 30-plus years to mend my heart on my own, and it didn’t work. So, why not try the retreat as I had nothing to lose and everything to gain?”
The Life-Giving Wounds Ministry, a non-profit that began about 10 years ago, was formed for adult children of divorced and separated parents to give voice to their pain and find transformative healing in our Lord, Jesus Christ. The Catholic, peer-led ministry offers individuals retreats, support groups, community, spiritual formation and resources. As its webpage states, it provides a “means for Christ to transform their life-draining wounds into life-giving resources of faith, hope, love and joy for themselves, their relationships, and the Church.”
Each year the national program offers online retreats for people around the world. Local chapters, such as the Syracuse/Ogdensburg Chapter, offer annual in-person retreats, its last one held in May at the Good News Center in Utica. There are multi-week online retreats, too.
Life-Giving Wounds Ministry facilitator Erin Miller with her dog, Troy. Miller participated in an online retreat in 2020. She then volunteered with the non-profit doing administrative work and leading small online groups. When she and her husband relocated to the Syracuse area, she began working for the Syracuse Diocese. In May, a joint chapter with the Diocese of Ogdensburg was formed.
Program facilitator Erin Miller said the ministry attracts people of all ages, from young adults to those in their 50s and 60s who may just be recognizing the impact their parents’ divorce had on them. Multiple factors motivate people to seek out the ministry — they can be anything from fears of repeating their parents’ behaviors, ultimately resulting in their own divorce, to fear of intimacy altogether. They struggle with the whys and the what ifs. They also wonder where they stand if their parents’ marriage were annulled.
“There’re a lot of self-protective behaviors that children of divorced parents do that can make it very difficult to get into relationships because they’re afraid of what could happen,” Miller said.
Kyle Stapleton learned about Life-Giving Wounds at a young adult event in Syracuse called Theology on Tap. “My parents divorced when I was 10 years old, and my younger sister was nine at the time,” he said. “Although we were always cared for and loved, the divorce often left us in confusing situations — sometimes feeling caught in the middle of disagreements. Witnessing these conflicts required us to process adult emotions and pain at a young age.”
For years, Stapleton would search to understand why two people who were married for 20 years would choose to separate.
Miller emphasized a vital message for those who grew up amid their parents’ broken relationships: “The main thing that I want people to take away is first and foremost that your parents’ divorce or separation is not your fault as the child. Just because you come from that split family and you’ve seen those bad behaviors doesn’t mean that you are destined to go down that same road.”
Now married, Stapleton and his wife chose to attend last year’s retreat together. “Her parents are still married,” he explained. “She saw this as an opportunity for us to grow closer and for her to better understand my experiences.” For Stapleton, the ministry-led event felt like a meaningful step toward finding perspective and healing.
“The retreat provided me with clarity and a renewed sense of faith in navigating the effects of a painful past. I would highly recommend the Life-Giving ministry to anyone who continues to feel the impact of their parents’ divorce or separation. Hearing the perspectives of others brought new insight to my own journey and offered a sense of healing and hope,” Stapleton said.
Kim, who struggled with a fractured relationship with her mother for years, learned how to speak up for herself and set healthy boundaries. “We now have a better relationship and I enjoy spending time with her,” she said of her mom. “I would tell others that it’s never too late to heal from your parents’ divorce. That you’re never too old to experience this retreat. Trust the retreat process, trust everyone at the retreat with you, completely open your heart, and God will begin healing your wounds.”
Though Kim and Stapleton’s stories are vastly different, both led them to the same ministry to learn how to discern, navigate, and heal. To learn more about this ministry, contact Erin Miller at emiller@syrdio.org or visit lifegivingwounds.org.
We will conclude our Family/Respect Life series with two additional healing ministries — The Third Option and Branch Out and Grow — in upcoming issues of The Catholic Sun.
